ANDREW STEINER

Comedian and Actor


BIO

Andrew Steiner has performed all over the world, including Glasgow Comedy Festival, Iceland, Tokyo Comedy Bar, and sold-out shows at Rochester and Philly Fringe. His comedy blends surrealist storytelling with hard hitting jokes. He's also known for his viral Instagram videos, and as the lead in the film Suburban Pimp. His first comedy special Toast For Dinner is now in post-production.

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STEINER'S STORIES

5.17.23

5.1.23

Oh, see, you are creative people out there and it's a struggle. A constant battle to figure out how exactly to come up with your creative voice in whatever field, in whatever medium you choose to put your tendrils of psychopathic rage and fury into, I mean, into whatever field you want to spread your love and joy and beauty. So I had a period in my life where my main instrument or my main medium was sound, and my main instrument was the Ha Mononoke.I think that's how you pronounce it. And I was homeless. Oh, my home was. Oh, it's so sad. But it wasn't really because I was young and I was in Japan and it's a pretty safe place. And I was pretty dumb. We didn't have to be homeless. I think I kind of willfully was ignorant enough that I was forced to be homeless.Basically, I had a credit card. I didn't know you need to call the place. Hey, I. But I blew. I got. I got nowhere to stay. Please help me miss the consulate general. And I also didn't know to call the credit card and tell them, you know, I'm in a new country now, so nothing worked. My debit card was stolen right out of my.My, my nipple clamp. I was walking down the street late at night, a little bit drunk, little bit tipsy, knew someone. I had a piercing and then the piercing had a clamp. It wasn't like a nipple clamp that clamped on. Your nipple was and nipple piercing that had a clamp on it that you could clamp to someone else's nipple or you could put your debit card in that I lived dangerously and I was living dangerously.And someone, you know, they took me up on my offer and grabbed it and it hurt my nipple and it hurt my possible spending ability. So anyway, I was in Japan and I had my trusty harmonica with me. I was eating a sandwich and all of a sudden a giant o seagull falls over to me. It had broken wings.Two broken wings. But it crawled right over to me and it grab my sandwich. Right? It didn't have any feet either. It used its beak to call it, but it was still fast and still ornery. And I wasn't expecting it because I was really enjoying my egg salad sandwich from Lawson's convenience store. And it grabbed my sandwich and I couldn't catch it, even though it had no legs or wings.It kind of just was rolling with the sandwich and ate it very quickly. It did not chew. Seagulls are not known to have proper mastication technique. So seagulls, if you're listening, chew to you should drink your foods and chew your lick to your liquids. That's what they say in macrobiotic diet. So, okay, so if you really want to be healthy seagulls, just do what I telling you to.Look, I think you can. So anyway, take my bread next time. I had a pastry, a apricot danish with a nice little glaze on it, a little bit of cardamom. The stores in Japan are on a novel a while, you know what I'm saying? So I wasn't really into that one. But this time I was I was not enjoying it as much because I was on guard on a high alert where all of the possibility of attack and subterfuge.I was not going to allow myself to be taken advantage of. Again. So I was quite happy and I had a weapon, a sonic weapon. So when the Seagull horde approached me menacingly or put my Armonica to my lips and I blew their head but not scared enough to stop them, they grabbed the Danish driver my hand and ran away, looking in.I was not happy, I tell you. I was distraught. My insides felt like they were shrapnel. My mind was torn asunder. So I devised a plan. I listen to the signals, I got close to them. I infiltrated their society and I purposely tried to mimic their way of speaking to each other. Oh, and sure enough, I started to recognize the signal word or phrase.May may be a more appropriate term for escape drawn panic, scatter danger. And so when the signal horde approached me on my bench of lovely sustenance, my somewhat in my talon, I crossed my trusty mouth harp the bridge shimmering with perspiration of anticipatory fright. And I put it to my lips in awe, shade, scatter, scatter as if I was one of the horde itself.And they took note of my utterance in their dialect of ornithological panic in a spot that they just flushed like oil and hit with antibacterial soap in a dish screen sink. And that is how I found my voice on harmonica. So you never know where inspiration and your truest expression of self will come from. Now, when I play the blues, I sound like a seagull and I'm distinctive.People always know when they hear me on the track that singers say they're he sounds like a seagull. Some people think it's terrible. Some people turn it off as soon as they hear me, but they know it's me. And what they say is like, If everyone likes you, you ain't doing nothing and your isn't it? But if half people hate you and half the people love you, whether those people really love you, you know, people that hey, you along is ain't corn in you and in the park and stabbing you in ripping the blood from your neck with their steel.Then this ain't so bad, right? That's great. Okay. Well, thank you for listening to Steiner's stories. If you like it, please share it. You can buy my merch on my website. Andrew Steiner, dot net. I got a t shirt from one of my jokes. It says, The circumcised hair is pretty beautiful, I got to say, and come see me on tour.I'm going on tour with Matthew Silver in July, July 22nd. We're in if you live in Nova Scotia, which I'm sure all of you do, come see us July 22nd and 23rd in Nova Scotia. We'll probably have a date in near Boston, two and one, and maybe in Portland, Maine, and another one in New Brunswick. I know the rest of you live in New Brunswick.Most of you live in Nova Scotia. But the other 10%, New Brunswick, all the way right. All right. Well, have a great night.

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4.23.23

Hey, babies and clam dogs. How y'all doing? Let's make life feel more original, like a Ritz Cracker... or a Triscuit, if you prefer. I'm here for you. And I just want to tell you, what's been going on in my life. What's new and good, bad and old. The ancient injuries taking away from my livelihood and making me feel like a subhuman crick in the neck of Gaia. I just want you to crumble with me, into the details of life's monotony.Anyway, none of that makes much sense. But it's poetic. So who the friggin' curse word queefs a darn?I'm trying to be adaptable. I'm trying to learn from life.I can learn any skill. It just takes me twice as long as anyone else. So maybe I'm more adaptable than most people, but I'm way slower at learning those skills.
Or maybe I'm just the same as everyone else. Who the hell knows?
What am I learning right now? I'm learning how to light things. I'm doing some lighting for a friend. Fran Cisco, one of the coolest people I've met in my comedy career.She's doing her show at The Artist in The Bronx - City Island. A cool little venue. I used to do open mics there, but apparently they they put up a nice new stage in the back. And so I'm going to do some lighting and work as the technical director.I know what I'm doing. I'm totally qualified for everything that I do with my life. I also serving at a catering hall, like picking up used plates and stuff. So that's fun. I love being a human cattle-car for refuse. I'm a walking wastebasket, I'm an intelligent walking wastebasket. $20 an hour, please.$20 an hour for your trash. I will touch it. I will touch your dirty napkins for $20 per one hour. Thank you.So that is what's going on in my life. I just got off the road. Oh, the road? Have you ever been on the road? It's so romantic. It's so beautiful. I went up with my buddy Natan BadalovWe drove, oh, I don't know how many miles. Probably 1500 miles in the course of four days. What we did was we drove from New York City up to Rochester, New York, and crossed the border into Transkei. Then we then drove from Transkei all the way over to French Island Montreal, and then we drove back all the way to New York City, only to meet rush hour traffic.So, you know, it was okay. Sold some tickets, met some nice people, hung out with some old family friends, met some new friends, did a guest spot on a show because the original show didn't get any audience members.The first night in Rochester met this nice dude. Todd Gursslin, a comedian, really sweet guy.Offered to put us up at his place.
And there was a whole drama. You want me to go into the drama? You want to gossip? Isn't it against the spiritual development of society to gossip? Isn't that regressive and a real taboo amongst the enlightened regime of spiritual sonograms in Turkey? The turkey judgment is when you gobble, gobble someone's nuts and then they judge you for it.
But anyway, if you want to hear some hot gossip. Oh, my God. So last September, I did Rochester Fringe Festival; three nights at this venue called the Spirit Room. And the woman who I was in contact with initially, was very nice. She was cool - very cool. And we did the venue, and the venue is a pretty interesting venue.You know, they've got like weird oddities and mammoths and like mermaids skeletons and unicorn hooves and weird, weird, crazy kooky stuff and nice cocktails and just an interesting spot. I liked it. I liked the vibe. Quirky, cool, quirky, queer, friendly vibe. That's the type of place I tend to feel at home at but it was a little under the staff, least one of the staff was really nice to us but there were a few things that kind of kind of irked me a little bit, though. The owner of the venue was a little rude. He was kind of grumpy and grouchy and didn't really help us much get set up for the show.You know, the lights were all messed up and no one really showed us how to change the lights or anything, and that sort of thing, Basicallylike, 'have at it.' You know, 'we take zero responsibility'. We're just going to take all the drink sales. You keep the door. We just don't help you at all.And we had a door person one night and another night we didn't really. And and we were supposed to get free drinks. They charged us. They took some cash tickets. They said they gave it to me. I don't know. I don't think they did, but maybe I didn't check the numbers carefully enough. Who knows? Whatever.But anyway, Todd's says a friend of his got ripped-off by them and he didn't want to play there, understandably, because he wanted to support his friend's boycotting of the venue. And I was like, All right, well, I don't know what happened, but comedians are my community. This place, they weren't terrible to me, but they weren't that nice to me either. So I'm going to go with the comedians. And I did. And then, you know, we had zero tickets sold. And Todd found a new venue. The Firehouse Saloon, which was real cool. It was a fun show, despite the fact that we only had four audience members, only two of which bought tickets (I let my friend and her friends go for free just because she drove90 minutes just to come support me.)The other audience was a brother and sister and the brother was really sweet guy, like kind of nerdy.And the sister, they were like in their late thirties or early forties, and sister kept joking like, that she wanted to have sex with her brother. And it was it was it was kind of hot, actually, for me. I don't have a sister so or, you know, so it didn't seem that weird to me to whatever. Anyway, so. But they were all good.00;08;15;01 - 00;08;36;06
Unknown
Laughter's pretty good. She kept talking a little bit too much, but, you know, my friends were great and the comics all performed well. And Todd was a great host in the town, killed it. And then we went off, off to Toronto and we did this, like, basement venue, this DIY venue called The Bunker, and it was really cool.
00;08;36;06 - 00;09;02;10
Unknown
Well set up and people were super nice. The audience was so wonderful. You know, most of the tickets were bought day of I think we sold, I don't know, 15 to 20 take or something like that. And the audience was great. The show went great and that was overall a wonderful experience. Stay in Toronto another night at a spot, another show, you know.
00;09;03;17 - 00;09;29;15
Unknown
And then we drove to Malaya the next day to perform on a monday was rainy. The audience was really nice when we showed up, you know, but the venue was gigantic. You never want this is like wide open space behind you. It feels like some mice sneak up with a hammer and crack your head open and sagging. It's hard to laugh when you're always looking over your shoulder and creepy basement.
00;09;30;01 - 00;09;49;00
Unknown
So that was part of the reason. It was weird, but the audience was tight. Like we talked to a few of them beforehand, which might have ruined the mystique, the tension a little bit. But they were really, really nice people and they were psyched to be there and they were all from couch surfing, which is a great little community couch surfing dawg.
00;09;49;00 - 00;10;20;27
Unknown
If you ever want to host people or go somewhere and it's I know it sounds creepy, but it's not. It's actually amazing. It's like if you're a traveling artist, especially to have a community on the road, aside from comedians or aside from your artistic community, it can really be the difference between a completely depressed thing for an experience and something that really makes your bubbles crumble and makes your singles Ching jingle in the same Whomp Rain.
00;10;22;08 - 00;10;49;14
Unknown
So it was that. But yeah, they didn't they didn't laugh very much at all. And it wasn't just me, you know, Anton had a real rough time. I got a few few audience wide laughter, but I was like, Oh, it was like the done no momentum to be had whatsoever. So that was kind of disappointing. But it is what it is.
00;10;50;08 - 00;11;23;08
Unknown
And we drove home and, you know, that's it definitely did not make a profit on this tour, but at least I offset some of the costs with ticket sales. And the show got better, I think. And that's all we can really hope for at this point. I think. And now I'm just trying to regain my footing, regain my equilibrium I'm about to do who knows, It might be a one off podcast.
00;11;23;08 - 00;11;52;01
Unknown
There might be a new podcast I'm doing regularly with Matthew Silver. We're doing it live on YouTube. So that's exciting. And I can't wait for that. And other than that, I just I'm just living my life, man. We're going on our honeymoon. We're going on the honeymoon zone, and that is going to be a beautiful thing. We're going to Japan.
00;11;52;01 - 00;12;20;22
Unknown
We're using all the generous gifts people gave us at our wedding to go on this three week journey across Japan. And I'm very excited because I have a deep and abiding love for Japan. I went there as a little man at age 18 and then again at 20 and spent a couple of months there. And I just as a teenager, feeling completely alienated from American society.
00;12;20;22 - 00;12;43;22
Unknown
I don't know if it's just who is America. Maybe I would have felt the same way in Europe. Who knows? But I did not feel like I fit in really until senior year in high school. And I went to like a school for other weirdos and weirdos who are like high functioning and, you know, interesting, weird artistic weirdos, basically.
00;12;43;22 - 00;13;23;17
Unknown
Mostly not all, but yeah, I just didn't feel like part of the culture. And then I Japanese culture kind of it resonated with me. I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe because it was weird too. That was very accepting of reading comic books and being socially awkward and having strange sexual fantasies and and martial arts and all these things that I just generally love are seem to be contained within that culture.
00;13;24;10 - 00;13;51;11
Unknown
So I would read every single book I could find about Japanese. I studied the language heard on the ground, the ones that are going to the near and those are not words. Don't no good. I know a Koko on the sun mascara. That means. How long are you going to be here, man? So yes, I started everything possible.
00;13;51;11 - 00;14;16;02
Unknown
And then. And then I was kind of too scared to go to Japan. I didn't want it to not live up to my expectations. So I went to Thailand instead, studied martial arts there. And after I was done there, I say, You know what? Why not? I'm close to Japan. I'm just going to go to Japan anyway. And I wound up living on the streets, homeless, sleeping on a hammock.
00;14;16;24 - 00;14;37;18
Unknown
I set up in Yoyogi Park. This lady gave me a jacket, smelled like cigaret, smoke and perfume. But I was cold. It was November. The rains, they were coming down. I was shivering. I needed it. Thanks, lady. And I met a husband and wife sleeping in a tent in the park. He gave me some socks and a hug.
00;14;37;18 - 00;15;02;21
Unknown
It was. It was kind of nice, you know, People were nice to me. The homeless community was nice to me. Regular people were nice to me. And eventually, well, I'll go into this story some other time. But for now, suffice to say, we're going to be retracing some of the steps, revisiting some of the people I met on my two trips in Japan 15 more than 15 years ago.
00;15;03;09 - 00;15;30;19
Unknown
Yeah, So that's I really am excited to share a part of my heart with my wife in the power of my cell that no one understands. You know, they are still being too Japan's. So hopefully I won't be too annoying to her. But we're going to we're going to go surfing. We're going to Yasuko Shima, the island of the giant cedar trees.
00;15;30;25 - 00;15;54;16
Unknown
We're going to eat a lot of delicious sushi. We're going to go visit my buddy who worked on the farm. I mean, this Japanese guy Grandma Mochi and his beautiful wife Yuki UK. I think that's where I was working. And now they have a kid where you go visit the monastery. I love that. And yeah, we're going to have a grand old time.
00;15;54;16 - 00;16;26;01
Unknown
You know, I think. I think we're really going to see us slalom through the slopes of our minds on this and a hill of sushi and only to wind up in the ski lodge of our dreams that is made of rice. Know? So that's exciting that we're going away in three weeks or less now. And that's really all I got to tell you.
00;16;26;08 - 00;16;48;22
Unknown
Thanks for watching. This is my blog. My blog, my clog is my blog cast. You can listen on audio only. It's on YouTube, too now, because I got I got a camera that doesn't suck any more and you can read it. You can also read it. You might be reading it right now and you're like, You can read this.
00;16;48;22 - 00;17;11;07
Unknown
You're reading me saying, you can read this. And and you're like, Why are you telling me I can read when I'm already I'm reading you saying I can read it, That that doesn't make any sense. And in that case, you can like I said, you can watch it or listen to it also. So refer to the previous statement and I'm not talking to you anyway.
00;17;11;26 - 00;18;19;02
Unknown
Have a great rest. Your night, your day, your morning and I will speak to you next week. Subscribe and tell people, you know, they're reading on iTunes and all that stuff. Apple Podcasts. Great, great. I see your.
T

4.13.23

“Am I nervous? Yes. Am I excited? Sort of. And I tired, maybe.I glamorous? Festively. Am I tornado like? Windy-ly. Ali and my poor Bulgarian legion delayed me. My cranky man. I like. Well, I'm home. More beer in my salad. Don't you tell me that makes it less healthy. I put cheese and beer and bacon and dog meat and crack cocaine all over my Caesar salad dressing.And you can't tell me not to. You know why you can't tell me not to? Because I'm my own man and I'm my own business. And I’ll run this thing into the ground or I’ll run it into the sky, and you don't get to say which and when and why. Where I do what? So don't you look me in the eye and tell me I'm a noodle.Because I'm not just any noodle. I'm fettuccine allfrydo. Fanny-noooo. And you can't tell me what is what.”These are the words of the great poet Man-Ki. He told me them in secret, and I'm telling you them in secret, too. So, you know, you shouldn’t tell them to anyone, not even your Gransister, or step cousin Bollnee.…So I'm going down. I'm going up to Rochester on Friday with my buddy in the tan battle of the drive and drive and drive.
And I hope the car doesn't die on us. That would be nice. And we initially booked Airbnbs, but now it looks like a lease and two out of three places were crashing in people's floors or couches or beds or whatever. And … god damn it… I don't know what my neighbor is doing to this man, but it sounds like she's doing it well.
I heard them earlier. I thought they stopped before I undertook this creative process. But, you know, I guess whatever happens, happens. Good for them. I put my ear-buds in and I was listening to - correction - I was watching The Mandalorian because, you know, theys was gettings me arouseds. I don't feel like being aroused. I need to save up my energy for my shows and for this traveling.I'm not going to do what I did in Scotland and masturbate after the first show and then have mediocre shows the next night. So I'm going to save it for the stage. Like a sage. Yeah, that's my wage. I get paid in love and admiration and word of mouth that I'm funny. So I'm investing in myself in this trip and I don't want to squander my potential.Not that I think I can't perform well the day after I masturbate. But if I'm also traveling a lot and I'm getting sick and I'm smoking vapes and I'm drinking on top of it all, you know, and I'm doing an hour or 40 minutes or whatever, it's just it's just a lot, you know? It's just a lot. Maybe one day I can.That'll be the day that I know I am a sage of the highest order that I am the white-eyebrowed Daoist of the East - when I can jerk off three times in a row right before I perform and do 40 minutes and crush. That's how I know I've reached Buddhahood and I am of the utmost dharmic continuance - damn, this moaning and groaning is distracting me and I am sorry and I hope it's distracting you in a pleasurable way.But whatever. Anyway, we're going to Rochester. We had to change venues and I got into a whole big thing with the owner of the first venue because listen, let's be straight-forward about it, Golly Partdumb (or whatever your beautiful name is). I did my show last year at Fringe there, and some staff were nice.The lady who I spoke to via email was very nice, but the guy whose bar it was, was a little curmudgeonly. They said they were going to give me a free drink and food. They did not. They barely helped me with the lighting or the sound. They really didn't. My wife was opening the show and closing the show and taking tickets on, I think third night.And I don't know, I don't think they gave us the cash tickets they collected, but maybe they did. Maybe I just did the math wrong. But anyway, we had it back and forth in the email because someone else, someone who's on the show, their friend was apparently missed, like screwed over by this venue. And he didn't want to perform there because he didn't want to go against his friends, you know, best interests or whatever, you know, the comedy community.
We got to stick together. And I figured, you know, I'm going to stick by the comedy community and if I can change venues I will. And Todd found a different venue and it worked out, at least for me. And plus it was a 10 p.m. show and and they weren't doing anything to promote it, really. They shared my story once I had them as a collaborator.
Did they collaborate? No, they just shared my story. What kind of half-assed fucking co-promotion is that? You just let me let me have your place at an off hour, and you’re not doing anything to to help me promote it. So whatever. I don't feel that bad. The guy got a little pissy, though. He was like, you know, you're not funny, boom, boom, or whatever, whatever.So anyway, we're going to The Firehouse Saloon, April 14th. Rochester 7:30 p.m.. I'm excited. Are you are you going to be there? Probably not, because you probably don't really live in Rochester. Oh man. They're really going to at it next door. Good for them. Good, Good job guys. And then we're going we're driving up to Torancho, Ontardio… and, I just want to hear what they're saying, to put the mic up to the wall.But, I can't do that. Anyway, so we're going to Toronto. We're staying at a family friend’s and that'll be great. Nice people who were on the Kibbutz with us in Israel. Oh man. Israel, Let's not open that can of Whitefish Salad a Hummus (like Goobers jarred PB & J combo, but for Middle Eastern kids). Okay? Because it's so hard for me to pick a side on this thing.You know, I feel like Mr. Flip-Flop or Two-Face over here, but I really don't like - I don't - I see… I see bad things on both sides. Let's just put it that way. And I see good things on both sides. But I see everyone deserves to live in peace and harmony and support their loved ones and eat great food and not feel like they're going to be attacked.And I’d say both sides are not necessarily promoting that that ethos. So I can't fully support either in their actions, but I support both communities in their existence. So anyway, regardless of that this family friend we know from living in Israel, he's very graciously, for the second time ,hosting me and and my buddy.We're in Toronto for two nights. We're doing a headline show at this underground club at the back of this place called Glass Bird, this cool tattoo parlor. And they have a venue called The Bunker . It's on on this West Dundas St. - Google How to meditate Toronto if you want tickets. And then yeah, and then we're driving.We're driving a lot. Maybe we're driving 5 hours up to Rochester, another 3 hours to Toronto, then we're driving another five and a half hours over to Montreal. And then in Montreal, where we might be staying with the couch surfer who's coming to the show.If you've never been on couch surfing, dawg, that's a pretty cool website. Yeah. It's like, you know, you stay at random people's houses, you let random people stay at your house and, and in theory that sounds terrible, but in practice it's mostly amazing. I’ve only had one bad experience in about 15 or whatever.As for the other experiences, I've met amazing people, stayed in beautiful places for free. I've hosted really nice, gracious people, I think three people. Two of them Japanese because I’m a Japanophile, but, yeah, they were all real nice. Anyway, Montreal. I'm excited for that. We're playing at Improv Montreal, not the comedy club.And then we're driving back home and I just had an audition today for some kind of weird hotdog roll commercial. And if I get that, then I guess we're not sleeping in Montreal. I guess we're just driving there, performing and then driving all night back to New York. So hopefully I don't get that commercial.Actually, I hope I do, cause I need the money, I need it bad, but whatever. And Natan has graciously offered to give me some notes on the show how to meditate, because honestly, at this point, I just want to film this fucking thing. I mean, I want to get it better and better and better, but at the same time, I almost feel like this show is holding me back in a weird way.I mean, it's making me better for sure. For sure. And it's given me a lot of opportunities to perform long sets in places I wouldn't otherwise, But I feel myself shifting more and more towards improvisatory standup, just making up stories, you know, And I'm going to do that on this podcast. So I think this podcast is going to be blogs and, alternatively, me just saying insane shit, so get ready for that.And I, I, I rather I probably shouldn't have just said that. I probably should’ve just done it. You know, I don't need to prepare you for it is you're here with me. If you're listening to this podcast, you're a friend, you're brother or sister, you want to grow older. I won't make the poppy cough into the mist around your head, old eyes, and turn your Siamese brain into a twin city tower.I want to make the mermaids purple with lust. I want to make the Terrorism die out so that it becomes Loveism. So that people, instead of trying to do big acts of fear and to change the governments and hurt people, they commit surprise acts of of beauty like making a thousand papier maché raccoons that all of a sudden appear in the Times Square.Or turn the books gold, filled with all your religious scriptures in your temple without without letting you know they’re doing it beforehand. Nice guy subversion. Make it happen. Good. Nice.So anyway, that's what this podcast's going to be. And I hired someone to help me promote the shows. I'm not sure if it's actually helping yet, but maybe it will take time because, you know, she's new to the game.I'm new to working with a PR person. But anyway, that's been kind of nice. It feels like I'm not going at it alone and I can focus on the creative side of things and. All right. Right. These people are distracting me. I got this A.D.D., man. I wish I could just focus like a laser beam, like Anthony Jeselnik or Foushee or any of these parade doggies.So what else do I need to tell you? I think that's. That's really it. I just, you know, I've been working at events, waitressing, caterer-waitering, like, Party Down style, but way more ethnic, not as much white peoples, which is kind of more fun. Honestly. And. And what else did I do? I'm doing, you know, a little more podcast work. Today I started training on Kevin Brennan's podcast, doing some engineering on that.So that was kind of interesting. Kevin Brennan He's a very funny guy and he made an interesting point today. It's like at a certain point, you know, he stopped trying to be likable and just shit on the people who are shitting on you. But I, I, I kind of on one level I agree. You can't want everyone to like you and I've been really working on that in myself a lot lately is just like not giving a shit if people like me or just being myself and that first and foremost, none the dick-ish way, but just like, yeah, not changing who I am to to please other people, but at the same time I do think it's worth working towards promoting love rather than hate.And like Frankie (me loverly Wiferino), she talks to me about like, you know, someone leaves a nasty YouTube comment rather than rather than answering them back, like trying to hurt their feelings or even just like, whatever, just like trying to send love back to them, even if they send you hate. And I think there's a Buddhist parable like the Buddha. If he says, You gave me a gift of anger, while I do not accept it, I return it to you.
I do not accept your gift. So you should try to go return it as series. Because, you know, if you had kept the receipt, you might be able to at the very least get store credit. So anyway, on that note, please do subscribe to my newsletter. I'm going to release these podcasts. I guess I'm going to release them weekly, but I'm also going to release the blog version of them on my website and in the newsletter.
You'll see tour dates on the main page of my site and I got a t shirt up, a circumciser or t shirt. If you seen me perform, you might have seen me do that bit. The t-shirt is pretty cool. This Italian guy designed it. I think they're pretty funny, but until I get like a bunch of orders, I'm not going to get them printed just because it doesn't make financial sense.And I don't know if I'm going to sell any of them, so I'm not going to order a bunch of them and then just be left with a bunch, like I did with all the other merch I've previously ordered in my life. So I'll wait till there's some significant demand to actually get them made. But if you want to place an order, place an order and you'll get it as soon as other people place orders or I'll give you your money back, if no one ever places any orders ever. And I'm just a complete failure at life, then I'll give you your money back and that'll be that. So invest in me and place your order, please. Other than that, yeah, just please go to Andrew Steiner. Dot net. Subscribe to the newsletter. Subscribe to me on YouTube and Instagram.Jazzy pulmonations to you my friends, thank you for reading. That's all.

4.7.23

Sean and I have had our difficulties in the past, our spats, usually over hurt feelings that fester and turn to anger, but after going to extensive couples counseling, under the pre-tense that we’re dating, we’ve finally moved past it. Until I gave him Bell’s Palsy - probably not, unless my herpes is a sniper and hit him in the eye while he was hoisting a be-thonged me over his head a la Dirty Dancing. It really was a magical trip, no fighting, great food and drink, crowds mostly generous with their laughter, and spring flutter it’s petaled way through the English country side as we drove alongside in our overprice Audi rental.
In a prescient bit of improvised poetry a couple weeks before we left, my best buddy Alan utter this phrase, “PLAID GHOSTS OF BATMAN!!!” Francesca and I laughed our heads off repeating it through the still flowerless night. And the phrase must’ve echo’d through the semi-conscious universe because as we walked to our Airbnb in Edinburgh we saw that famous castle on the city-center mountain top (thank god I did no research, AKA Travel Spoiler Alerts Illustrated), and Sean said, “That looks like Scottish Batman’s House,” I burst out laughing.
But before that, we arrived in London sleep deprived and dopey eyed. The rental car guy promptly upsold us 200 dollars worth of bullshit and gave us a free upgrade to an Audi, which was helpful because Sean wrestled at heavyweight in high school, and still would were he to compete professionally. That’s part of the reason I brought him. I’d heard Glasgow can get a bit stabby in the wee hours, I tend to say crazy things to audience members on occasion.Anyway, we drove to Leeds the first night, which is basically the Pittsburgh of England. Underrated, a party town, great food, and a lot of young ladies who all dress alike in tan wool coats, black tights, black boots, and tan make-up. I was unable to book a gig there so we talked our way into some comedy shows for free. Saw some local talent and it was pretty decent. We also learned that they celebrate St. Paddy’s in the UK. Our room was above a bar, next to a bigger bar, with a roof top DJ blast shitty remixes until 4am vibrated the deformed springs in our collapsed mattresses. In between that and Sean’s snoring, I didn’t sleep unbelievably well.But we still got up for the gym the next day, rehearsed our dance number, got a schvitz in. I even help an older lady switch the weight-room scale from KG to Stone. I guess 12 Stone sounds better than 242 LBS.Despite my desire to use this trip as a break from smoking, I couldn’t resist the vapes everywhere that cost a third of what they do in NYC. And the ones here are all 5% nicotine - narcotic stupor inducing levels - but all the ones in the UK were 2% - perfect.I ate unrefrigerated cheese spread on pita for days in between lavish meals building a nice head of rancid foam in my gut for the car ride north. My attempt to save money was off-set but all our other meals out. I seemed to have forgotten that I wasn’t on vacation. We both did, which made it easier. We ate great Thai food, better than most spots in NYC, only to find out it was a chain. We went to an over-priced brunch spot in York, a Michelin-Star pub in New Castle Upon Tyne.We drove up to Scotland. Sean, bless his heart, did most of it, as I passed the fuck out. At one point I woke up to us down a country lane, a heard of sheep blocking our path. “Go back to sleep.”We dropped the car off and walked to our Airbnb in Edinburgh after we couldn’t snag a taxi. But that was great luck - we managed to see every major sight on the way - the royal mile they call it. Grand old building caked the stains of northern empire long eroded. Regal monuments to poets, turquoise fountain, and a city-cent castle on the mount.We performed that night on a showpen mic. Booked, with real audience, but unpaid, and unglamorous. The guy who booked us did 40 minutes going up early so the rest of us had to watch. Hosting is hard, as is the first “bullet” spot. But it was fun performing in that bar/theater/ancient limestone catacomb.Then we went to Glasgow, checked into our gorgeous, yet affordable airbnb on the poor side of town, where the brewery and necropolis puffed. The air smelled like old mushrooms and moss.
More on that NEXT Week! : )

Photos By Sean Barry (@seanbarryphotos)

3.29.23

I just got back from my tour in the UK and it was a real blast. A friggin’ hoot. And now I’m sick and vaping way too much and sound like a crust-laden spider salesman (whatever the fuck that is). I miss my wife, but she doesn’t want to see me because I’m SICK!! Understandable - she's busy AF. Yet not sick enough to act in comedy sketches in the cold. The important thing is, I have no regrets.I’m quickly going into debt for the right reasons and it honest-to-god, gee schucks and willikers, seems like the universe is responding to this attempt of live a life in show biz. The last job I applied to told me to kick cocks and truck off, so I’m not applying any more. Now, people are applying to me. I put an ad out on LINKDURR for a PR intern and got hundreds of resume’s and have already met with some very promising young candidates, with the utmost gumption and clear-mindedness.Why the sudden change of tack? I left too much money on the table in Scotland and London. They papered the hell out of that room at my behest and the crowd was great but if I knew they’d gotten in free I would’ve asked for donations or at least to buy merch (if you were part of that audience and you were one of the three people crying laughing for free up front, my Venmo is @ndrewsteiner. Hate to ask for money because your presence made the show for me, but also, you didn’t even follow me on IG or YouTube, you just said, “that was amazing, thanks, bye!” DO YOU THINK I PAY MY BILLS ON THANKSBYES? lolol).Any-fucking-way, here I am, writing this blog, because, as the sage woman, Ria of Magna-Grecia, “You gotta drive traffic to your website!”. And she’s absolutely right. This is where all the show dates are. This is where, my merch will live, and my specials, and so-on and so-forth. So, from now on, I’ll be posting a weekly blog, and exclusive video content. So tell your friends, yeah, Reddit is cool, and so is Hulu, but have you been on AndrewSteiner.Net? That’s where all the cool kids are posting.So, in short, I’m going all in to comedy right now. If you want to help, please book me as a comic, hire me as an actor, or if you’ve enjoyed my content without otherwise supporting, Venmo me some scrilla good friend.Next week, I’ll talk more in-depth about The UK Tour with Sean Barry.